Responsibilities
by Alexis1
Summary: The Host provides some much needed clarity after Buffy's death. Does Angel listen?


Responsibilities   
  
Disclaimer: How I wish I owned Angel, Gunn, Wesley, Lindsey……sigh please don't sue a penniless student.   
  
Summary: The Host gives Angel some much needed clarity after the season finale.  
  
Feedback: Yes please!  
  
Rating: G  
  
  
"I'll be downstairs if you need me. Try and get some rest." Cordelia murmured, bending down and kissing his forehead. "Wesley told me about what you were willing to do to save me. Thank you."  
He gave no indication that he had actually heard or felt her.  
She closed the door softly on the way out, leaving Angel to think about the news Willow had brought.   
He still couldn't believe it. Buffy was gone. Dead. Never coming back.   
Thoughts were running through his head. Dawn. Glory. Hell god. Blood. Spike. Dimensional portals. Demons. Cordelia as monarch. Fear of losing her. Heartbreak. Relief. Fred.  
Dimly he heard Cordelia's voice tell Wesley to drive Willow back to Sunnydale in Gunn's truck, and told them herself and Angel would be there soon.   
He heard the truck start up and drive away, heading to the place that caused so much pain for him.   
It was background noise. His mind wasn't processing anything. Buffy was dead.   
"Gunn, settle Fred into the guest room. She might need you to stay with her. She'll probably be scared."   
"Are you sure you're OK Cordy?"  
"I'm fine. Just look after her. I've got things to do."  
Two sets of footsteps and one rather excitable voice headed past his room.   
"Can I sleep in a bed?"   
"Sure you can. And these beds? They're massive. With loads of pillows. You'll love it."  
"Um…are they dark?"  
"Don't worry. I'll stay with you tonight."  
"Thanks."  
It didn't register. Nothing did. Buffy was dead.  
He heard clanking metal as it was folded and placed in a drawer.   
Cordy's princess outfit.  
He heard the rustling of softer clothes…then he heard quiet sobs. Soft but deep. He knew why she was crying. She felt responsible. She thought she should have seen it coming. He thought he should have been able to prevent it.   
His brain started to kick in, past the sentence "Buffy is Dead".   
If he had known, known what would happen while he was rescuing Cordy, would he have done the same thing? Would he have gone to Pylea or Sunnydale? Cordelia or Buffy? Which of them could he live without? Which of them needed him more? Which of them did HE need more?  
"I don't know. God, I wish I knew." He growled to himself.  
  
Slowly, he tilted his head to one side.  
The glaring red numbers of his alarm clock said it was 2.36am. It felt much later.   
Obviously the powers had decided to deny him the escape of sleep. Damn them.  
He stood up and paced around his room. The thoughts of earlier still plagued him. Was he right to do what he did? What would have happened if he had known about Buffy?   
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" he commanded himself quietly.   
  
"Now, what world ending catastrophe made you call me here at…" Lorne checked his watch as he stepped into the lobby of the Hyperion. "3am. As hard as it is to believe, I need my beauty sle-"  
The brightly attired demon stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the look on Cordelia's face.  
"Sweetums! What's wrong?" he asked concerned, rushing over to her.  
"Buffy…" she choked out. "She died, while we were in Pylea. She was the Slayer…I'm sure Angel told you about her. I've…sorted the others out but Angel…he won't speak to me. I thought you may be able to get through to him."  
"Where is the big lummox?"   
"In his room."  
Lorne nodded, and headed towards the stairs. He reached the bottom of the steps and turned around.   
"Are you OK sugar?"  
Cordelia nodded and smiled thinly.   
He didn't notice when he turned his back that her shoulders began to shake again.  
  
"Knock Knock."   
Angel glanced towards the door then immediately went back to staring out the window.   
"Leave. Me. Alone."  
"And nice to see you too. Dollface downstairs called me. Said you might need someone to talk to."  
"She doesn't know what she's talking about."  
"I think she does. She probably knows you the best out of anyone."  
"No. The woman who did is dead. I didn't ask Cordelia to call you, so just go home."  
"No you didn't. But I'm glad she did. I'm sorry about Buffy."  
"So am I."  
There was a silence in which the usually talkative Host had nothing to say.  
"Angelcakes, you have to look to the future. Grieve for her then move on."  
"Move on? Move on? The woman I love is dead! How on earth can I move on?"  
The anger rolling of Angel in waves was so intense it nearly knocked Lorne over.  
"I should get danger money…" he muttered to himself. "It's horrible, and sad, and difficult, but what choice do you have? Wesley and Gunn need a leader. Fred needs someone to look after. And her downstairs? She needs you more than all of them put together?"  
"Why? So I can ruin her life more than I already have? Everything I do, everybody I care about….it all goes wrong. Its like I have the reverse Midas touch."  
"Angel-"  
"No! I loved my family, I killed them. I loved Buffy, and look what I did to her? I lost my soul and tortured her, she had to kill me, I got her hopes up then I left her. Then she dies without me telling her about the lost day and now I'll never get the chance. Wesley got shot because of me AND he got blew sky high. Doyle sacrificed himself because of me. I couldn't save Darla. I drove Dru insane. Poor Fred doesn't know what she's getting herself into! And Cordelia? Because of me, because I need DIRECTION, she has to endure all this pain and hurt every time she has one of these visions for me. And I can catch her before she falls, buy her things, take her places, look after her but its never going to be enough. I fired her, I left her with Wesley and Gunn. I left them all to fight a battle that isn't theirs! Are you getting the general trend by now? Let's see. What else have I done? I know! How about the fact that the visions Cordelia has have the potential to kill her? Did you know that? Did you know that she refused to pass her visions to Groo because although she has all that pain she feels it's her duty to keep them, to help me get my Shansu? Did you know she promised to stay with me until that happens? Did you know that last year she was in hospital, having constant visions thank to Wolfram and Hart? Did you know that the doctors told me that if she didn't recover I would have to make the decision to give them permission to end her life? What if I never atone for all I've done? Then she'll have done all this for nothing! Can you imagine how much it hurts to see her to suffer this much? Can you?"  
"I think that's probably the most I've ever heard you say in one go."  
Angel growled and Lorne realised her better get to the point and quick.  
"Look. Think! Buffy, Darla, Druscilla, your family…its in the past."  
"History repeats itself."  
Vaguely Lorne heard Cordelia walk past the door and into Fred's room. Poor thing. She finally thinks that she has Angel back and then this happens.  
"Listen!" he raised his voice.   
It was the first time Angel had ever heard Lorne raise his voice.  
"You have a destiny. And you're going to need the sweethearts along the hall. Why do you think the power's sent Cordy that vision about Fred? You need them."  
Angel just stared.  
"You genuinely are that dense aren't you? You know about the End of Days don't you? Fred is going to be key and Cordelia…she's a big part of your destiny."  
"Explain."  
"I can't. Put it this way, if something happens to her, you won't want your shansu."  
He watched the vampire in front of him carefully. His previous anger had obviously been deflated and now he looked like a little boy, lost far from home.  
"Think about it Angel."  
Lorne stood and left the room.  
Has he was walking down the stairs he ran into Gunn.  
"Hey. How is he?"  
Lorne slung his arm over the taller guys shoulder.   
"He's got a long way to go. I don't envy Cordy one little bit. Fancy a drink?"  
"I'm down with that. Got anything that'll make me sleep like a baby?"  
"I have some Esgila bile. Strong stuff."  
"Let me rephrase that; have you got anything that will make me sleep like a baby without the whole puking part?"  
  
Cordelia sat in the chair by the bed in which Fred slept. She'd let Gunn go home.   
He was tired and needed to rest.   
"Cordelia?"   
She looked up at the small voice coming from under a mountain of blankets.  
"Yeah?"  
"Who was Buffy? Gunn said she was a slayer but I don't know what that means? Its probably really stupid but-"  
"Don't worry. When I first got involved in this I had no idea what it all meant."  
She closed her eyes for a second and braced herself to speak.  
"A slayer is a girl who's destiny it is to fight evil in the world. Vampires, demons, robots, giant snakes, the works. I've known three. Buffy was the first. Then Kendra and finally Faith. Another slayer is called when one dies. Buffy died about 4 years ago, for a couple of seconds. This called Kendra. Kendra was killed by a vampire. Because of this Faith was called."  
"So why isn't Faith the Slayer?"  
"It's complicated. Faith, she killed a man by accident. Then she couldn't stop. She had bloodlust. Angel got sick and needed her blood so Buffy tried to kill her. But it didn't work. Faith came back and after she met up with Angel here, decided she wanted to go to prison to pay her debt."  
"Wow."  
Cordelia chuckled half-heartedly.  
"That pretty much covers it."  
"What was she like?"  
"Buffy? She was blonde, blue eyed, short. But you don't really want to know about that do you? She was brave. So brave. And kind. If you needed her, she'd be there no questions asked. She was really funny too. Always making little quips and one liners. I remember when we were chased through the woods once. This whack job had organised this thing called Slayer Fest. They thought I was Faith, the other slayer. Vampires, demons, weirdoes were set to chase us. We totally kicked their butts."   
Cordelia noted Fred's eyes growing heavy.   
"She was one of a kind. She died for a worthy cause, saving her sister's life and stopping the world ending. Everyone's going to miss her so much."  
She looked up and saw Angel looking through the crack in the door. Their eyes met for a moment before he disappeared.   
"I'll be back soon Fred." The other girl barely heard her, already on her way to sleep.  
  
When Cordelia stopped in the doorway of Angel's room she thought about turning right around. This was going to be difficult. But she knew she had to do this.  
"Hey."  
His back was to her and he was looking out of the window.  
"Hey."   
She walked in further and sat on the edge of his bed facing him.   
"I hope you don't mind I called Lorne."  
He shook his head. From his spot he could see the city spread out before him. All those people who had never known Buffy, who wouldn't mourn her, who wouldn't even know what they had missed.  
"I don't mind."  
There was an uneasy silence, which neither of them wanted to fill.  
Realising if she didn't they'd be standing there forever she stood up and touched his arm lightly.   
It proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back.  
He turned around and once again his eyes met hers. Within seconds he was on his knees, his arms around her waist tightly.   
Harsh sobs wracked his body.   
"Shhh…shhh…I'm here…shhh…" she soothed him, her voice thick.   
Slowly she sank to her knees too and held him just as tight as he was holding her.  
"She's actually gone. She's really dead. I knew it would happen, I knew she'd die before me but….but I thought it would be longer."  
"I know. I know."  
"And I never told her about the day."  
She knew what he was talking about it and there was nothing she could say to help him. Instead she just held him as he cried.   
  
"God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…" he whispered as she rocked him softly, some time later.   
His head was resting on her shoulder and he knew he was ruining her top with his frantic grabbing of it. His head knew she wasn't going anywhere but his body wanted to be sure.   
"Shhh…you have nothing to be sorry about."  
"I do…you're visions, they're my fault."  
"No they aren't. They're my duty. Did Wesley tell you about com-shukking?"  
Angel nodded.  
"If I slept with Groo he would have been able to absorb my visions but I said no because the visions, they're my duty. They hurt but they give me a purpose. I know what I have to do."  
"Lorne told me that you and Fred are going to be vital to what happens during the End of Days."  
"So no pressure or anything, right?"  
"He said that I have to look after both of you."  
"You already do."  
"But I'm going to be better at it. I promise, I'm going to keep both of you safe."  
His tears had stopped but his promise set hers off again.  
"Why are you crying?"  
"I should- I should have been- able to see what was going to happen to Buffy. We might have been able to save her- but I didn't see….And if I hadn't got sucked into Pylea they might have been able to contact you."   
She felt guiltier than he had imagined.  
"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't. I was up here earlier thinking about it. What would I have done if I had known Buffy needed my help while you were in Pylea? And I couldn't answer. Now I can. I would have come to help you."  
She tried to interrupt but he wouldn't let her.   
"I love Buffy so much…it hurts every time I think about her. But she…she died for a reason. She sacrificed herself for the greater good. But you…you were alone in a strange dimension. You're my responsibility. I couldn't leave you there on your own."  
She started to cry even harder then.  
"Am I only making things worse?"  
She laughed. It was weak and came through her sobs but it was a laugh.  
"You know I promised I'd be with you until you Shansued? Triple that promise. And nobody is going to push me away. Not Darla, not Dru, not even you. I promise."  
His tears had dried on his cheeks earlier but now yet more came.  
"OK. OK."  
  
"Eeeeeeeee!" Fred squealed sitting up straight in bed.   
She'd dreamt that the priests had been chasing her and trying to put one of the cow-rings on her.   
As her heart rate returned to normal, or at least what she thought was normal, she looked around and noticed Cordelia had gone. She looked at the clock hanging on the wall. It was cracked and dusty but she could see it said 5am.   
Silently, she tiptoed along the corridor to the room she'd seen Gunn give a furtive glance to when he had brought her to her room.  
Peeking through the door, she found her guess had been correct. It was Angel's room.   
She walked inside and saw him and Cordelia sitting on the floor, obviously asleep. She walked over to the blinds and pulled them across, coughing slightly at the dust that escaped.   
"I'll have to clean up around here." She told herself.   
Her gaze returned to the pair on the floor and she smiled slightly.   
Angel really was as good a man as she had thought. And Cordy- that's what they'd called her- was obviously a kind woman too.   
They were taking care of each other, making sure that they were both all right.  
She took the blanket off the bed and draped it loosely around them and sat opposite, just looking.  
She didn't know what caused the feeling, or what made her sit and stare.   
But for some reason she felt like she was meant to be with them.   
And that was what it was all about right? Belonging. 


End file.
